I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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