I wanna bring you to show and tell
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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