I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
