how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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