I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
