Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
