i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
