come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
