All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
