i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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