I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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