Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
