I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We need to get me chipped asap
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
