This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
