so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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