Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
