So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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