nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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