Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
