So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
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