I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
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