I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
