I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
