I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Less talking, more tequila
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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