Screwed.edu
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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