I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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