I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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