I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
