haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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