I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
