I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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