i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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