She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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