Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
