Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We just shotgunned beers for America
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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