Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
