I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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