remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
