pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
