well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
