watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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