I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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