Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
