Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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