I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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