Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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