when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
