I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
