hotel room ftw
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
