I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Please don't give away my fajitas
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
