Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
