Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
