party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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