Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
