I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
