I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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