Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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