hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I DEMAND FORESKIN
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
