Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
